65/126 - Just when you're feeling cocky...

Firstly, a few foodie pics from the last few days:

1. Minty smoothie. This worked quite well. I added a drop of peppermint oil to my spinach smoothie and it fooled my mind that it was mint. I'd definitely recommend it.

2. Yesterdays lunch. Grilled liver (um, I do quite like it and it's full of stuff I need like B12 and iron), salad with activated almonds.
3. A chicken meatball soup. It was made of chicken stock, veges and then I cooked some chicken meatballs (made from lean chicken mince) in there and it met with everyones approval. The Programmers one also had glass noodles in it. Since we went to a Malaysian restaurant, he's been requesting more asian inspired, soupy things.
Banana icecream. AWESOME. Using a handheld whisk, I blended some bananas, agave syrup, an egg and eggwhites until they were fluffy. Par-froze, blended again, repeat until it works. Excellente in smoothies.
So.. that's the good. Now for the bad. I've had a shocking 4 days with food and today I am a puffy, sad mess. It's been a long, long time since I had such a bad run. Today is Thursday. Monday night I overate by quite a lot, including some cereal. Tuesday morning I decided to get on the scales, because, naturally, I'm a sadist. Unimpressed by the 2kg weightgain, I proceeded to eat my way through Tuesday with that dangerous 'I'll make a fresh start tomorrow' mentality. Yesterday I pretty much did ok, I even got to the gym for some cardio, but then I went to a party and was weak in the presence of lots of little deepfried samosa/spring roll/ indian things that (I figured out later) probably had potatoes in them (a nightshade.. v. bad for my arthritis). Today I am struggling. I just had a meat pie for lunch, which is full of stuff I don't want to be eating, I feel really super tired and it's very noticeable after feeling so good on my usual fare and, of course, quite P.O'd at myself and a bit confused. However.. this learning to live healthy was never going to be a linear thing.

The really interesting thing is that I can now see the clear line between eating and disorder. My regular eating has none of the stuff that used to drive me to binge. I'm not feeling deprived, it's interesting, it's yummy, I'm not hungry, it's not too strict. I have a fair idea what is driving this resurgent behaviour but I'm not willing to put it on a public forum (learn from the celebrities, luv). However, if you are dying of curiosity, email me. Basically, my bingeing rears its head when I have been in contact with certain people, or have been talking about certain emotionally charged subjects, or when I'm being forced into the role of 'fixer-upper' of other peoples issues. Although I feel mentally weak right at this moment (and puffy and fat), it's the time to start sorting that stuff out and making a plan of self-empowerment. So, it's 2pm now and I'm intending to put the junkfood aside and get back on my healthy path of empowerment. I'm just over half way in my 18 weeks, still heaps of time to de-bug my system (heh, living with a Programmer just naturally rubs off).