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Saturday, July 24, 2010

Goal? Uh - not quite

This morning I finally got on the scales, knowing it will be the last time that I'll be able to do that for five weeks - 57.6kg. I was hoping to have been below 57, but don't feel disappointed.

I'm feeling good. I have been eating regularly and normally, have managed one party and several meals out (including one where the options were, pasta, rice or pasta and rice) and I'm only feeling mild anxiety about the uncertain food situations which will be the reality of every meal while I'm travelling. The next three or four days will be the toughest, with random sleep, jetlag and airport food. I have packed snacks for the first 10 hour flight, but as we stop in Korea for a day, I'm not too sure if I'll be able to keep what I don't eat on the plane.

I'm focusing, and will continue to focus on eating for the lifestyle that I want, and the body that I want - healthy, lean, fit. I'm eating as the person I want to be, rather than the person I currently am, physically. That seems to be working, so I'll stick with it. Tonight I looked at the pork I was about to cook and thought 'what would 52kg me choose as a portion?'. I chose the smaller piece, rather than the larger one I would usually have eaten, and I still feel full.

Ok, wish me luck and I'm on my way! 3.30am wakeup call, I'm all yours!

Friday, July 16, 2010

57 -6 Meeting the Challenges

Today has been one of those days which is great on one level (spending time with family, going to the movies) but desperately challenging when it comes to managing my food. It would have been easy to just give up.

For a start I am sleep deprived. I slept last night on the floor in my brothers lounge and, although comfortable enough, I didn't sleep that great. I'm not actually a great or deep sleeper even under ideal conditions, so this is nothing unusual. Except that, come morning, my niece (10 months) and nephew (3 years old yesterday) came in to open his belated presents and it was all over, rover, for the sleeping attempt.

I knew that we were in for the movies at 12 noon so had a bigger than usual breakfast (banana on toast), but even before the movie started I was super hungry. Telling myself that another couple of hours wouldn't make much difference, I stayed calm and got through fine. However, after the movie, there were things to pick up and groceries to get and it was about 2.30 by the time we finally found somewhere to have lunch. By then I was feeling really grumpy and a bit shaky. I was, by that point, just trying to prevent myself throwing a toddler-like tantrum and bursting into tears! (very unattractive in a grown woman). The selection at the only cafe near the supermarket was dire, from a Sara point of view. Everything seemed to have tomatoes, potatoes or peppers in it (all nightshades) so I settled for a chicken and cranberry panini, leaving about half the bread. I also ate an apple from the grocery haul. I gave my lara bar to my brother because, being completely gluten free, there was literally nothing that he could eat. Cafe food is always the hardest challenge for anyone on a 'special' diet. I had another apple once we got back home.

Now that I've regained sanity, I'm pretty much 'home and hosed' for the day. I offered to cook dinner, which takes care of the unknown factor (it will be fish and veges + bread for the bread-eaters). I focused on sticking to my schedule and keeping my head on. Panicking always makes me irrational. The thing is, a bit of bread won't actually make me fat, or cause my arthritis to flare. It's constant, or excessive, consumption that causes an issue. 'The dose makes the poison', as the wholehealth source guy likes to say. Sometimes, in the real world, realism means making the best choice possible and concentrating on enjoying the company, even if I'm not being 'perfect'. That's life. ;)

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

57 -9M

All good.. well, apart from the glass and half of wine that I had yesterday with dinner.. and today.

However, everything else has been on schedule. I did my cardio yesterday and my weights today. I find exercise to be essential, not just for my body, but for my mind. In fact, more for my mind than my body. There is something about training that just puts me in an 'I can cope' mood. The annoying thing is that when I'm in an 'arrrrrgh, I can't cope' moment, it's hard to motivate myself to exercise. That's why I'm trying to do it as soon as I get up. When I look back on times when I did successfully lose weight there are two things that are consistent. 1. I was exercising on a schedule and 2. I was on some sort of relatively sane eating plan. And, by 'plan', I don't necessarily mean anything really difficult. I did the zone diet for ages before I read the book. I just skimmed through it at the library, got the idea and started combining protein and carbs at each meal without much thought to quantity or quality. That worked. I did Body for Life, that worked, I did Atkins, that worked. I did calorie counting, that really worked, except I took it too far and wigged out into starve-binge land. So now I'm kind of on the Sara plan, which is a bit of everything I've learned. Lots of veges and fruit, proteins and fats, some nuts and beans, a little sheeps milk cheese (really my only dairy) and .. everything else in extreme moderation, when I feel like it, with control. I've de-caffed down to a sane level (although I did go a bit woo-hoo on the mate tea today - then Googled and found it is packed with caffeine and theobromine.. oops) and my alcohol consumption is pretty average. I'd say I'm 90% where I want to be, just working through the last of the stress and distress eating.

As part of my studies I am reading through tens of binge eating studies, to decide on which ones to include in my report. It's been distinctly helpful. The thing I'm onto now is mindfulness. That is centering myself. Dealing with what is right in front of me, realising I do have choices, right here, right now, realising that my automatic thoughts are not necessarily true and that I can choose to think and act in a different way to usual. I used it tonight. It was an hour or so from dinner and I was a little bit hungry. My first reaction to hunger is always a bit of panic - I have to eat, now. Instead I took stock. I told myself that I wasn't really super hungry. That dinner was just an hour away and that I'd enjoy it much more if I didn't spoil my appetite with a snack. I relaxed my mind and decided to get a bit of work done while dinner cooked. And, look! I didn't even starve to death between that moment and dinner time. Amazing.

The weekend is coming. I'm looking forward greatly to seeing my brother and family,but also mildly daunted by the prospect of managing my eating in an out-of-home situation. Good practice for the upcoming trip around Europe. At least since I started eating more fruit and got less anal about having to eat protein six times a day, it's all gotten a lot easier... I'll be fine.. breathe.. breathe...

Sunday, July 11, 2010

57 -11

Today has been one of those very borderline days. It was an 'almost binge' day. A good chance to look at those things that make me want to stuff my face. Now what could it have been?

1. Well, there was the having a sudden rush on WPC, right before I'm going away and running out of stock.

2. Then there was the mad calling around trying to get some more in quickly, even more than I already had on order.

3. And finding out that my usual supplier won't have any more until October.

4. Then paying out over $1000 for it.

5. Then organising things with the new manufacturer

6. Then getting an email from the NZFSA asking for some last minute amendments on some documents I thought were finished.

7. And having a real problem locating suitable articles for my Health Psych assignment.

8. And, just, TIME PRESSURE because I'm flying out in a fortnight and I'm not at my goal weight and I've got so much to do and I don't know if I can get it all done and I'm freaking out.

And, so, what happens? Mid afternoon I got an outrageous urge to snack, and did. I also got the urge to have a big glass of wine, but didn't. In retrospect, that may have been the better choice ;-/ Considering the outrageous eating behaviour that followed, I could hardly have done worse with a glass of vino in me.

Obviously, if I'm going to get to my goal weight, random attacks of overeating are not going to help. I need to find a better way to manage those icky things like stress, tiredness, pressure and, did I mention stress? I also need to not skip my training like I did today and yesterday. I'm not sure what this would have done to my now 11 day goal, but will see on .. well, 11 days from now. Still heaps of time, at least for THAT.

Ironically, the final straw which sent me to the icecream today was researching binge eating disorder. I'm having issues finding the studies that cover the issues I want to cover and I was getting really, really antsy. I know what THIS is. It's perfectionism, and my studies at least have taught me that perfectionism is a personality trait that predisposes one to binge eating. I've got heaps of studies to chose from. If I only used the ones I've already printed, I'd at least get a 'B', but no, I have to find the perfect ones, and because I can't, I lost it.

Losing it meant some icecream, some chocolate. a banana and some marshmallows (all in a bowl together.. that was delish). Then a larger than normal dinner, including a bread roll, and a muesli bar for dessert. I could definitely eat more, but I'm not going to. I'm using this blog post as catharsis and getting back to myself. A splurge on Friday and a splurge on Monday is not going to get me where I want to be. My goal now is to get through the next 11 days without incident. I'm also resetting my goal to 57.3, which is equal to the lowest I've been in the last 6 months and somehow, seems achievable.




Saturday, July 10, 2010

57 -13

Last night, being Friday, I let myself off the leash a little. I had a couple of wines, a bit of chocolate and some naan bread with cheese melted in it, but otherwise it was a normal day. I was too scared to get on the scales this morning, and I did notice the slight, very slight feeling of 'can't be bothered-ness' and burbling anxiety that is always there the morning after alcohol. I'm beginning to think that I'll just go alcohol-free. I don't miss it, really. It's certainly a long way from a couple of months ago when the most exciting part of the day was 'wine o'clock'. I'm not going to say 'never' though. I'd like to be one of those people that has one 'now and then' and doesn't think anything of it. Same with coffee.

Today I got up.. nope, that's not quite right. I woke up, played on my computer for a bit, in bed, then got up and did a wii-fit workout, with weights added. As I said, I did not weigh myself, and I'm not going to for the next 13 days because that's what I did last week and it was better. I focused instead on the process - getting my head straight, managing my time, eating well, exercising, drinking that water, relaxing. I've got a lot to do over the next few weeks and the last thing I need is being distracted by the inevitable ups and downs of the scale. I'm motivated enough to reach my goal by the firm fit of the dress I bought today.

At lunchtime we headed out to shop with my mum. My goal was to get a dress, and quickly, no pissing around. I tried on at least 10, they all fit in size 10, some better than others. The size 12's were all too big, even though the shop assistant told me I looked fabulous in everything *rolls eyes*. Finally I found one that didn't make me look top heavy. The 12 was definitely too roomy, and the 10 looks 'quite good' but feels much closer fitting than I'm used to. Dressing room lights are never kind, and I did have some negative body thoughts, mainly about my arms, which are not at their most toned.. yet. I just kept up the positive self talk. It's only a matter of time, Sara. Most things take longer than you think they will.

I'd made a point to eat lunch before we went, but after dress shopping, and shoe shopping, was feeling ravenous! To my surprise, when I checked the time it was nearly 4pm. We ended up at Starbucks and I tried something called a Protein Cookie. Blecch, one bite was enough. I should have checked the ingredients. As the Programmer said when I made him taste it, 'it's like they tried to make it taste of food'. I ate a small amount of my mothers berry pastry (trying to choose the most 'berried' bits!) and then had an apple when we got home. Dinner tonight was a lean beef loaf and veges, probably too much roast parsnips and kumara, but I'm trying not to dwell on that.

At the moment, structure is working for me. Four meals, no nibbling. I'll need this guideline for when I'm travelling, and there's a lot of that coming up. As long as I can keep my head on, I'll be fine. ;)

Friday, July 9, 2010

Goal 57, -14

58.1 kg

(note: I've no idea why there is highlighting on certain words in this post. I accidentally hit some random keys on my laptop when I nearly dropped it and can't figure out how to remove it!).

I've actually had a really good week. No alcohol (apart from tonight, it's Friday dinner with mum), only 5 caffeinated beverages, nearly daily exercise, no serious food deviations - only non-neurotic ones. You know, the sort where you think about adding some sheeps milk cheese to your salad, wrestle with the idea for 30 seconds and then decide to do it, in spite of the fact that it's a non-dairy day.

I've decided to get to 57 in 14 days from today, and it's totally achievable, albeit, with a bit of application. The 57 barrier has been eluding me for a while! It's like that slippery fish that keeps escaping through my fingers. However, I remember when 60kg was that fish, therefore I know I can do it. It's a matter of adjusting my eating and lifestyle a little more in the direction of the body I want. I'm thinking .. simple adjustments like not indulging quite so much on a Friday night, reducing portions slightly and, for sure, being a little less.. erm... liberal with the olive oil. Realistically, the last one is probably most important! I'm very free and easy with fats and oils. Olive oil, coconut oil - these are my favourites.

One thing I have noted is that my hip, knee and ankle are playing up. This week I have eaten far more nuts and more dairy than usual (including a cheese-heavy omelette today at lunch), so it's probably some sort of reaction to those. It's not a serious flare up, but it is bothering me slightly, especially the right knee. The joint pain I have, as per the MRI scans I have had, is caused by fluid pockets that form - apart from the hip, which is osteo-arthritic. Fluid is inflammation. Inflammation is a reaction to an allergen. So, I'll cut the dairy and nuts for the next week (which includes my Lara bars!) and see what happens, then I'll add back one or the other and try and figure out which one is the devil in disguise.

Today I found the most amazing cafe. They don't even have an internet site, but are located next to Piko wholefoods in Christchurch. They seem to make everything from scratch and the chef works in the shop. This is a major find for someone like me that avoids nightshades like they were arsenic. She was able to answer all my questions, informed me that the lentil patties contained tomato paste and that the soup had some potato in it, and served up a perfect lunch. Nightshades seem to be a real problem for my joints and for my body. Last time I accidentally ate some, in the form of a seafood chowder, two things happened. First I noticed immediately an overwhelming, bitter 'potato' taste, which The Programmer could not detect when he tasted it. Second, I felt ill to my stomach, hot, nauseas. This tells me.. don't eat that.

Ok, buckle up. It might be a bumpy ride but that 57kg barrier is going down! Then I'm only 5kg from my ultimate goal weight, where I'll suddenly be rich and gorgeous, motivated and perfect in every way. ;-) Obviously.

*rolls off the couch laughing*

Friday, July 2, 2010

Goal 57.. bleh...

58.3 kg

Actually, I should be pleased that it's not more! Having achieved quite well in my University exams, I embarked on a flurry of celebration which was definitely not what my weight goal required. And, so I see the return of that stubborn 500-600g - the same ones that keep turning up like the worlds most annoying door-to-door Jehovah's witness.

However, again, I'd expect to deflate over the next couple of days and I'm resetting my '57' goal to the 15th July. Seeing as I'll be away that weekend, I want to get there by then. I also actually took some progress photo's today to get a check as to where I am, looks-wise. I think I'm doing 'ok'. Definitely an improvement on last year. I'm not far from my goal, but would like to have less flabby bits - in common with nearly every developed-country female on earth. Sometimes I think, why not just settle where I am? I'm 'normal', I can shop and find clothes, I'm leaner that I was at 20, why not just be happy where I am?

Today I was thinking this over and realised something cool. I am happy where I am. I'm fine. I've been up and down the scales enough to know that my life will not be improved in any real way by losing the last 10 lbs. But, I still want to be a bit leaner. I can tell that I'm still carrying some excess, by bodyfat% is still about 27%. I'd prefer not to have overly lumpy bits when I wear a bikini or a no-sleeves top, my joints feel better when I'm lighter, my cholesterol still hovers on the border of normal/high, and, for many reasons, I want to be fitter than I am. My *big goal* is 52kg, but if I reach nirvana at 55 or 54 that will do.

Today I went shopping and, in the middle of trying stuff on, it gently occurred to me how far I've come. I used to absolutely hate shopping. Nothing ever fit right and usually I'd leave the shop, having bought nothing, feeling like I wanted to die. Then, usually, I'd console myself with something yummy, mentally berating myself for having a defective body shape. Today I was just like all the other girls. I was in 'Cue', a shop with notoriously small sizing, and we were all trying on dresses, some fit, some didn't. Some fit round the top but were voluminous at the bottom, one bagged out at the back. But, in all that time, I only had one body conscious thought and that was when I tried on an 'almost too small' size 10 and it gave me unattractive lumps under the arms. I thought 'ewwww, look at that fat', but quickly adjusted my thoughts to accommodate the fact that the cut of the dress was just too tight around the arms. Bodies come in all sizes and so do dresses. It's not the fault of the body if the dress is the wrong size. What a concept.