57 -11

Today has been one of those very borderline days. It was an 'almost binge' day. A good chance to look at those things that make me want to stuff my face. Now what could it have been?

1. Well, there was the having a sudden rush on WPC, right before I'm going away and running out of stock.

2. Then there was the mad calling around trying to get some more in quickly, even more than I already had on order.

3. And finding out that my usual supplier won't have any more until October.

4. Then paying out over $1000 for it.

5. Then organising things with the new manufacturer

6. Then getting an email from the NZFSA asking for some last minute amendments on some documents I thought were finished.

7. And having a real problem locating suitable articles for my Health Psych assignment.

8. And, just, TIME PRESSURE because I'm flying out in a fortnight and I'm not at my goal weight and I've got so much to do and I don't know if I can get it all done and I'm freaking out.

And, so, what happens? Mid afternoon I got an outrageous urge to snack, and did. I also got the urge to have a big glass of wine, but didn't. In retrospect, that may have been the better choice ;-/ Considering the outrageous eating behaviour that followed, I could hardly have done worse with a glass of vino in me.

Obviously, if I'm going to get to my goal weight, random attacks of overeating are not going to help. I need to find a better way to manage those icky things like stress, tiredness, pressure and, did I mention stress? I also need to not skip my training like I did today and yesterday. I'm not sure what this would have done to my now 11 day goal, but will see on .. well, 11 days from now. Still heaps of time, at least for THAT.

Ironically, the final straw which sent me to the icecream today was researching binge eating disorder. I'm having issues finding the studies that cover the issues I want to cover and I was getting really, really antsy. I know what THIS is. It's perfectionism, and my studies at least have taught me that perfectionism is a personality trait that predisposes one to binge eating. I've got heaps of studies to chose from. If I only used the ones I've already printed, I'd at least get a 'B', but no, I have to find the perfect ones, and because I can't, I lost it.

Losing it meant some icecream, some chocolate. a banana and some marshmallows (all in a bowl together.. that was delish). Then a larger than normal dinner, including a bread roll, and a muesli bar for dessert. I could definitely eat more, but I'm not going to. I'm using this blog post as catharsis and getting back to myself. A splurge on Friday and a splurge on Monday is not going to get me where I want to be. My goal now is to get through the next 11 days without incident. I'm also resetting my goal to 57.3, which is equal to the lowest I've been in the last 6 months and somehow, seems achievable.